


Radioactive

by burntotears



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Fallout, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Best Friends, Character Death, Drug Use, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Past Relationship(s), Prostitution, Silent Suffering, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 00:42:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntotears/pseuds/burntotears
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of the apocalypse, people are just trying to find a way to survive and start new lives. When the Commonwealth says that they have the technology to show you who your soulmate will be when you reach the age of thirty, fallout survivors are lining up at their doors to get a peek at what the future holds.</p><p>But is it actually real? Should you trust your heart or your head when it comes to love at the end of the world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i'm waking up to ash and dust

“I’m telling you, boi, it’s absolute rubbish!” Gavin lamented as they sat in a dingy bar drinking piss-poor beer. 

“What do you know about it, Gavin?” Michael responded with a roll of his eyes. The beer burned its way down his throat and he wondered just how irradiated it was, but he was just buzzed enough that he didn’t quite care.

“A lot! I hear people talk about it all the time,” Gavin defended, a quick glance around the nearly deserted bar. The only other presence was a Mr. Handy robot who was tending the bar. 

Michael smirked. “Your buddy Mr. Handy tell you that?” 

“Shut up. And I’m serious, okay, it’s a scam! I heard someone say that she went and did the destiny dream, right, and saw who her soulmate was supposed to be. Well two years later, her so-called soulmate goes in for the dream and guess who he gets? Fucking someone else entirely! It’s a rip off. I’m saving my caps for something worthwhile.” 

“A sex bot?” Michael laughed. “Gav, that’s bullshit. If that were true then no one would be doing it. And what about all those people who had destiny dreams of each other?”

“Well if they ripped everyone off then they wouldn’t bring any money in. They’ve got to make it real once in a while, right?” Gavin seemed convinced that the Commonwealth was up to something. “They’re stockpiling all that cash so that they can build an army and take over the government again!”

“What do you know about the government? You’re not even American!” 

“Well there is no more American government anymore, is there? There’s no government anywhere and these prats probably think they can start a new world government!” 

“I’m sure that’ll be a cinch, what with all the cross continent travel we’ve got nowadays,” Michael scoffed, shaking his head. “I don’t think it’s a big conspiracy. I think it’s exactly what they say it is.”

“You’re a hopeless romantic, boi, of course you do,” Gavin smiled fondly, patting Michael on the shoulder. Michael swatted his hand away.

“Am not! Just because I don’t shag everything that walks like you doesn’t mean I’m some head-over-heels lovesick asshole! I just… I wanna know who it is.” Michael looked down at the beer in his hand. Maybe he was a romantic, but ever since the end of his last relationship - if he could even call it that - he just wanted to find something real. What was so wrong with that in such a fucked up world?

“What if it’s me? What if _I’m_ your soulmate, eh Michael?” Gavin waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“I’d kill myself,” Michael responded flatly, earning a frown from Gavin.

“That’s just rude,” Gavin whined, finishing his beer. “After all we’ve been through…”

“Exactly. I know you too well. Besides, you’d end up giving me a disease.”

“Oi! I’m clean!” 

“Uh huh,” Michael snorted, his eyes straying to the door when it opened. His heart nearly fell to his feet when he saw the man standing in the open doorway. There was no damn way, it couldn’t be…

“Michael,” the brunette said, nearly breathless, as they both stared at one another.

Gavin raised his eyebrows. “Er, what - what’s happening? Who is that?”

“Ray?” Michael asked in disbelief, slowly edging from his seat and standing to face him. His feet felt like they were filled with lead, so heavy he couldn’t seem to move toward the other man who was standing 10 feet away.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s me, man.” Ray responded, a faint smile crossing his face as he looked Michael over. “You look good.”

“And you don’t look dead,” Michael said flatly. “I thought you were…” he trailed off, now wondering if all this time Ray had just fucked him over and he’d been too stupid to see it.

“I know. I thought I was too, honestly,” Ray said, taking a step forward toward Michael now, who hadn’t moved since he stood up from the table. Ray ran a nervous hand through his hair.

“Wait. This is _Ray_?” Gavin gawked. “You said he was dead, Michael!”

Michael ignored him completely, unable to tear his gaze from those brown eyes. “How?” Michael asked warily, still teetering between utter relief and possible betrayal. 

“I crawled out of there when I was strong enough to move, then some guys found me and helped me out.” Ray said solemnly.

“I-I went back for you, when they splint my leg, but I couldn’t find you. I kept digging but you weren’t there. I thought super mutants got you or-or raiders or…” Michael felt tears brim his eyes even as he tried to fight them back. He’d completely forgotten Gavin was in the room, completely forgotten how to move, how to _think_. His whole being was consumed by Ray.

“Michael, I know,” Ray said quietly, walking forward and closing the distance between them at long last. He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I would’ve thought the same thing.”

Michael felt his breath shudder at the touch of Ray’s hand, sending electricity throughout his senses, breaking down his resolve and cutting through all the bullshit he’d told himself so he wouldn’t fall apart in the past eight months. 

“Holy _shit_ ,” Michael breathed, staring Ray down for another few seconds before lunging forward, arms wrapped tightly around the other man’s shoulders. Ray’s hands slipped easily around Michael’s waist and it was like no time had passed, like they were ‘Ray and Michael, the infamous duo’ once again. “You’re real.” 

“I missed you,” Ray said as a smile spread across his face.

“Yeah, _no shit_ , dude,” Michael responded, a giddy laugh bubbling from his throat. He pressed his face into Ray’s neck for a few moments, breathing in his familiar scent, reacquainting himself with someone he already knew far too well.

The door to the bar opened again and Michael’s head shot up over Ray’s shoulder as three men entered behind them. Michael wouldn’t have paid them any mind if Ray hadn’t pulled back and nodded toward them.

“These are the guys that found me,” he explained. “This is Geoff, Jack, and Ryan,” Ray explained, introducing each man in turn. “Guys this Michael, my friend I told you about.” Ray was beaming over at the curly haired man like he was a secret treasure.

“But didn’t you guys fuck?” Came the crude question from behind them as Gavin stalked up to the two, looking at everyone in the room in turn. “I’m Gavin, by the way, no one introduced _me_.”

Michael felt his face heat up and he punched Gavin in the shoulder, eliciting a squawk of disapproval from the Brit. “What, that’s what you said!”

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Michael mumbled, not even realizing that Ray’s hand hadn’t left the small of his back through the entire exchange. He looked at Gavin almost predatorily and Michael knew they had a lot to catch up on.

He scanned the other three men, giving them a half-hearted wave. “Thanks for… well thanks for taking care of him.”

“It was our pleasure,” the dark haired man named Geoff responded. He had the wickedest mustache Michael had ever seen. “He’s a great dude.”

“He’s fucking hilarious,” Jack nodded, a most impressive beard adorning his chin. 

Michael grinned stupidly, his eyes meeting the last man’s, whose irises were the brightest blue color. Ryan didn’t say a word. In fact, he stood there stiffly, staring at Michael with a mixture of disbelief and realization. Ryan kept looking him up and down like he _knew_ him somehow. It was a bit unnerving.

“Let’s drink!” Geoff announced, heading to the bar with a grin. Jack followed him and Ryan, only now knocked from his daze at Geoff’s words, shuffled awkwardly after them.


	2. my lover is childlike

It was hard not to stare at Ray, even hours after knowing he was alive and totally _not dead_. Michael hadn’t seen him for eight months and in that time he’d gone through an emotional turmoil he’d soon like to forget. If it wasn’t for Gavin, he’d probably still be piss drunk in some dingy bar letting dickbags fuck him for a few caps.

“So…” Ray said slowly, his eyes moving from Gavin who was at the other table with the newcomers regaling the time he’d spent in New Vegas a few years back. “How long have you been... together?”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “Huh?” He’d been staring at the glasses framing Ray’s eyes. They were different than what he’d had before - thick, black frames that made his eyes stand out more.

“You and Gavin? Are you even listening to me?” Ray laughed, pushing against Michael’s shoulder playfully.

“Yeah, yeah I am, I just… it’s been a long fucking time, dude. I’m still trying to get used to seeing you again. It’s fucking surreal.” Michael blinked and shook his head, taking a long swig from his beer. He didn’t even notice the taste now - granted he’d had quite a few at this point. “Um, like four months, I guess? Long enough to know he’s equal parts hilarious and fucking annoying as hell.”

Ray pursed his lips, looking at the Brit who was laughing obnoxiously. Ray looked like someone had shoved something foul smelling under his nose and finally it clicked in Michael’s head. “You don’t mean… Ray, we’re not _fucking_ , are you kidding me?”

“What? It’s not impossible! Besides, you thought I was dead, it’s not like I can blame you…”

Michael snorted. “Right, except you totally are. You keep looking at him like you wanna shank him while he sleeps. Give me a break, man, I have better taste than _that_.” Ray didn’t need to know about his dark months. He wasn’t that person anymore, so why did it matter? “He’s an idiot, but he’s a good friend. He helped me out a lot.”

Ray smiled. “You look happy.”

“I have been, actually. It took a while, but… I got there eventually.” Michael nodded at Ray. “You look pretty happy too.”

“Yeah. Yeah, man, I am. I mean… I did a lot of traveling after I healed up and it was good. It was nice to meet some new people, have new experiences. I never stopped looking for you, though.” 

“Yeah?” Michael asked, looking Ray in the face. He wished that the same were true for him, but he thought Ray was dead, so there wasn’t any reason to look for him. He sighed, feeling the guilt and melancholy settle on his shoulders again, just like it had when Ray walked through the door. “I should’ve kept looking for you. I shouldn’t’ve given up and just assumed… maybe I could’ve helped you. I’m a fucking dick.”

Ray placed a hand on the side of Michael’s neck, shaking his head. “Michael, stop. I don’t want you to feel guilty for something you had no control over. It wasn’t your fault and I don’t blame you for not looking. I told you, I would’ve assumed the same thing. Please don’t blame yourself, okay? All that matters is we’re here now, right?”

Ray’s thumb brushed along Michael’s cheek and over his chin and he leaned into the touch, sighing comfortably. “I’ll try. I’m sorry. It was just… it was hard without you, Ray.”

Ray’s face opened in sympathy. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss at the corner of Michael’s mouth. It sent shivers up and down Michael’s spine to feel those lips again after so long, after thinking he was _dead_. Michael turned his face and caught Ray’s mouth in a full kiss, sighing into it, feeling like a weight he didn’t know he carried was lifted.

“Shit,” Ray sighed, pressing his forehead against Michael’s for a moment after before pulling away. “I missed you, dude.”

Michael nodded in agreement, his eyes catching blue from the side of Ray’s head. He turned to find Ryan glaring at him with what looked like anger on his face. What the hell?

“What is up with Ryan, man?” Michael whispered, turning back to Ray.

“What? What do you mean?” Ray asked, turning his head obviously to look at the other man. Ryan turned back to the others and Ray blinked.

“He’s been giving me stink-eye since he got here. And just then he looked like he wanted to bury an axe in the back of my head.” Realization dawned on him and he gasped, shoving at Ray’s shoulder. “Did you _fuck_ him?”

Ray’s eyes went wide and his cheeks darkened. “Wha - I mean… we did a few times, but it didn’t _mean_ anything, Michael, I swear. I was lonely.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Dude, I don’t care. I’m just saying… he looks like he’s fucking in love with you. Didn’t you tell him about me?”

“Of course!” Ray cried out a little loudly, shaking his head. “I told them all about us, I swear!” Ray looked back over at Ryan who now looked like he was sulking.

“Ryan, quit pouting!” Geoff groaned, shoving at his shoulder, drawing both Michael and Ray’s attention to the other table.

“I’m not pouting,” Ryan said quietly, taking a drink of his Nuka-Cola.

“He’s been like this since we got back from the Commonwealth,” Jack agreed.

“Wait… you guys went to the Commonwealth?” Michael piped up, no longer separating them from the other group.

“Yeah, Ray didn’t say? We went with Jack and Ryan so they could have the Dream,” Geoff said nonchalantly. 

Michael glanced at both of the men in turn, his eyes wide. “You guys did it? What - what was it like?” He didn’t even realize he’d stood and had made his way to the other table, his curiosity getting the better of him. He sat across from Ryan and stared, all weirdness forgotten.

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Michael can’t wait to do the Dream. He salivates about it all day long.”

Michael threw a cap and hit him in the forehead. “Fuck off, dick.”

“It was… it was surreal,” Ryan replied, looking directly at Michael when he spoke. It felt like his blue eyes were trying to jump into Michael’s _soul_ ; it was freaky.

“Nothing like a real dream, that’s for sure,” Jack agreed. “It was like seeing the future or something. Like living it right there.”

Michael nodded vigorously. “Did you know the person that you saw?”

“No,” Jack and Ryan said at the same time. Ryan’s cheeks colored pink. Michael eyed him curiously. Was he lying? Did he… oh shit, did he see _Ray_? Michael looked over at Ray and then back at Ryan, but he was looking at his hands.

Jack looked wistful. “She was pretty though…”

Gavin shook his head. “It’s a scam, I’m telling you! You wasted your caps, you could’ve gotten a laser rifle with that shit!”

Geoff looked over at Gavin in disbelief. “You’re really not going to do it? How old are you?”

“Twenty-seven,” Gavin replied, shrugging. “No, I’m not doing that shit! You haven’t heard what people have been saying? It’s totally random for some people! Your ‘soulmate’ might not even see you when they go in! It’s bollocks!”

“Geoff found his soulmate,” Jack said quietly. 

Gavin looked incredulously at him. “You did?”

“Yeah, she was fuckin’ amazing,” Geoff looked pained for a moment. “When I met her, we just clicked; it was great. She didn’t have the Dream when she turned thirty because she said she didn’t need to be reassured that I was the right guy.” He smiled.

Michael grinned. “That’s awesome.” Fuck, maybe he was a hopeless romantic. His grin faded quickly though. “W-where is she?”

“She died a couple of years ago. Deathclaw,” Geoff said simply, taking a long drink from his terrible beer.

“Fuck,” Michael breathed, putting a hand on Geoff’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, man.”

Geoff turned his head and smiled sadly at Michael. “Thanks. We had some good years, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Michael squeezed his shoulder and dropped his hand, looking up to find both Ryan and Ray staring at him closely. For the first time, Ryan didn’t look like he was going to slit his throat, he just looked curious. “Are you going to get the Dream, Michael?” Ryan asked him pointedly.

“Uh… yeah, I think so. I want to, I just…” he rubbed his hand through his hair, looking briefly at Ray. He’d been dying to have the Dream because Ray was gone and he felt lost. But now Ray was there and he didn’t know if he needed to do it. Ray had always been a constant in his life, he’d always been the one Michael expected to be with forever and then he died and Michael’s world collapsed in on itself. Now that Ray was very much _not dead_ though, he felt conflicted. What if he was wrong and Ray wasn’t the one? What if he’d just been with him because he was familiar and comfortable?

Jack clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s a big deal, dude. Don’t sweat it. I thought about it for a long time before I made my decision.”

Michael smiled over at Jack, nodding. “Thanks.” 

“What about you, Ray?” Geoff asked, looking at the other man. “You never said if you wanted to do it or not.”

Ray shrugged, looking a bit downtrodden. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“I think Gavin should use his extra caps to buy us more beer,” Geoff announced, smirking when Gavin squawked. 

“Yeah right! I’m buying a beautiful gun that I know I can actually count on.”

“Do you ever get laid?” Geoff snarked.

“What? Of course I do!” Gavin cried out, utterly offended.

They continued talking for a few more hours then they started to file upstairs one by one to fall into bed. Michael didn’t even realize that he was one of the last people still awake until Ryan spoke, pulling him from his daze.

“I’m glad he found you,” Ryan said quietly. They were the only two still sitting at the table now.

“Huh? You are?” Michael asked stupidly. He might’ve had too much to drink.

“Of course. He talked about you all the time; you obviously mean a lot to him.” Even though his words sounded sincere, Ryan looked so _sad_ when he said them.

“I… yeah, I… he means a lot to me too. We met ages ago, seems like I’ve known him all my life,” Michael nodded, rubbing his hand through his hair. They fell into silence for a few minutes, Michael jogging his leg up and down in place and Ryan digging his fingernail into the table. “So you aren’t… I mean, you aren’t mad?”

Ryan’s head shot up and he looked Michael in the face with his deep eyes. “Why would I be mad?”

Well, he couldn’t back out now; he’d already opened his big mouth. “Just that… you didn’t seem very happy to see me so I figured… y’know, you were mad because you and he…” Michael trailed off with a generic wave of his hand, hoping that was enough information.

“Oh. _Oh_.” Ryan actually laughed, looking relieved for some reason. “No, no, I’m not… he’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he isn’t, but I’m not… we aren’t like that. Together. We just… we were just working out some… uh, tension? I guess?” Ryan blushed. “Shit, I’m sorry, Michael. I know you guys are-”

“What? No, no, you don’t have to apologize! Fuck, dude, I thought he was dead! It’s not like I haven’t…” he trailed off, his eyes going dark. He didn’t like thinking about those months after Ray’s disappearance; he’d rather pretend it never happened at all. And with Ray back, it felt like it’d be easier to do just that.

“Right, right, I didn’t think you hadn’t, I just... I shouldn’t have…” Ryan sighed, laughing uncomfortably.

Michael laughed too, shaking his head. “Well this isn’t awkward,” he joked. “Look, it’s cool, okay? Ray is free to fuck anyone he wants to, even now. We’re not… we were never _exclusive_ or anything, we just… we just had a thing. And it worked for us. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, yeah I guess so,” Ryan nodded. They grew quiet again for a while, Ryan fidgeting like he had something he wanted to say. Eventually he blurted, “Are you in love with him?”

Michael’s gaze locked with Ryan’s and they stared at one another, Michael’s mouth slightly open and no answer falling from his lips. Ryan’s eyes were kind of ridiculous; it felt like Michael was going to drown in them, but he really didn’t mind so much. It seemed like a nice way to go.

“I… I don’t really know,” Michael responded truthfully after a minute or two, anxiousness blooming inside his chest and making it feel tight. He’d always been totally certain that Ray had been the love of his life when he’d lost him, yet now that he was back, Michael wasn’t sure if it was real or if the loss had just made him over-romanticize things.

Fuck.


	3. stay with me, don't let me go

Michael groaned and rolled over, throwing his arm over his face. His head was pounding between his ears, threatening to burst at the seams. 

“Got a headache?” 

Michael could feel the bed shift as Ray sat down near his head. Even after eight months, it must say something that he didn’t reach for his gun the second he heard someone in his room. Ray used to come into his room at weird hours all the time; he was especially efficacious on being around when Michael drank too much the night before. 

He gave an incoherent grunt to which Ray chuckled lightly. “C’mere,” he said quietly and Michael did as he asked, scooting over and laying his head in Ray’s lap just like he had countless times before. It was easy to do this, to pretend like nothing had changed, like they were the same people they’d been eight months prior.

Ray placed his hands on either side of Michael’s head, pressing his long, delicate fingers into Michael’s temples to relieve the ache. Michael sighed, feeling the pressure in his head lessen already - Ray had magic fucking fingers, he couldn’t deny that. He swung both his arms back, wrapping them around Ray’s thighs and tucking his hands into the back of Ray’s pants, cracking one eye open to look up at the man above him.

Ray’s brown eyes stared down at him, a small smile on his face as he continued to work against Michael’s temples and wipe away his hangover headache. “You’re still good at that,” Michael whispered, his voice gravely. His mouth tasted like old socks.

“And you still drink too much,” Ray replied, still smiling despite his chastising.

“I gotta make up for what you don’t consume. It’s only fair.”

“Yes, absolutely. That makes total sense. You must really enjoy feeling like shit in the mornings,” Ray teased fondly.

“Well I know you’ll be here to take care of me, so it’s not all bad,” Michael replied. He knew that now at least. The last eight months hadn’t been that great. The first few nights he got drunk and woke up without Ray there, he’d cried himself sick, but eventually he numbed to the pain. When he met Gavin he thought maybe he’d have someone there with him in the mornings, but Gavin got just as wasted as Michael did and half the time he couldn’t even find Gavin in the mornings, sometimes for the entirety of the next day. 

“You got me there,” Ray sighed, leaning down to kiss Michael’s forehead softly. “I can never resist taking care of your dumb ass.”

“Hey, my ass isn’t dumb, it just makes poor decisions sometimes,” Michael frowned, protruding his bottom lip in mock hurt.

Ray laughed, shaking his head, staring down at Michael fondly. “I kinda just want to stay here forever.”

It was tempting. Being with Ray was easy; it always had been. They fit together well, they knew each other - their likes, their dislikes, how to make each other happy, how to push each other’s buttons. It would be so easy to just fall right back into it and forget everything, forget how much he’d changed, all the shit he’d gone through, how far he’d had to climb to get back to a decent human being after Ray was gone.

It was really fucking tempting.

Michael gazed up at him. “What are you gonna do now? I mean, you found me, but now what?” He knew it sounded crass, but they had to have some kind of plan and just pretending nothing had changed wouldn’t get them anywhere. They’d both changed, they just didn’t want to admit it.

Ray’s fingers stilled so that he was basically just holding Michael’s head between his hands, confusion in his brow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… it’s not like we can just go off alone together. I’ve got Gavin with me and you’ve got those guys - we can’t just leave them behind. So what - what was your plan once you found me?” 

Ray frowned. “I didn’t really have one. I was just focused on finding you again, I didn’t really think…” He chewed on his lip, a nervous habit. It was a familiarity that Michael took comfort in, even though it meant that Ray was uncomfortable. Somehow it made Michael feel more comfortable with him. “I didn’t really plan on traveling with them forever, just until… so what’s the deal with Gavin?”

Michael sighed. “I told you, Ray. He’s my friend and he needs me. I can’t just abandon him. He was pretty lost when we met and so was I - we fit well. We take care of each other.” 

“So did _we_ ,” Ray said defensively.

“I never said we didn’t. But you weren’t _around_ , Ray.” Michael’s head started pounding again. 

“That wasn’t my fucking choice, Michael,” Ray spat back, hurt behind his eyes.

Michael sighed, feeling Ray’s hands slip from his head. Their little flashback reunion was over apparently. He rolled over next to Ray, leaning against the headboard, stuffing pillows behind his back. “I _know_ that.”

Ray ran a hand through his hair and blew out a slow breath. “Fuck. Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know… I’m just… this is weirder than I thought it would be.”

Michael snorted. “Did you think you’d find me and nothing would have changed?”

“I dunno. I guess so. It hasn’t even been a year since we saw each other last. How much could we have changed?” He looked over at Michael questioningly.

“More than you’d think,” Michael replied, eyes going dark.

Ray leaned forward, resting his forehead against Michael’s with a sigh. “I just want it to be like before. Everything was simpler then, wasn’t it?”

Michael shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe we were just ignoring the truth.”

“What truth?” Ray asked curiously.

“That we were pretty fucked up.”

They remained quiet for a while, Michael turning and resting his head on Ray’s shoulder and Ray lacing their fingers together, both of them staring at their interlaced hands.

“So… you don’t love me then?” Ray broke the silence. 

Michael lifted his head to look at the other man, confused. “What? Of course I do, why would you ask that?”

“No, I don’t mean as like - a best friend or whatever, I mean, like _in love_ with me.” His cheeks blushed. “I heard you talking to Ryan last night.”

“Shit,” Michael cursed, though he really had no reason to feel bad about it. It wasn’t like he was dating Ray or that they had ever promised themselves to one another. But he _did_ love Ray, as his best friend, and he didn’t want to hurt him. “Sorry, I didn’t know you could hear us. Are you mad?”

Ray shook his head. “No. I guess I always kind of hoped that we’d realize we were right for each other and it’d be some epic romance or something, but…”

“But we just _aren’t_ ,” Michael finished for him. Ray reluctantly nodded his agreement. Michael leaned in and kissed him softly, hating that it had an air of finality to it. Ray pushed into it, deepening the kiss, his hand resting on Michael’s hip, squeezing tightly when their tongues brushed against each other for the first time in so long. Michael would like to say that he didn’t let it get too heated, but by the time they pulled apart Ray was lying on top of him and they were both breathing heavily.

“Fuck.” Ray expressed Michael’s thoughts perfectly. “We uh… we’re gonna be okay, right?” Ray looked simultaneously very worried and totally turned on. 

“You mean if we start fucking knowing that we aren’t in love?” Michael said bluntly, his erection pressed into Ray’s thigh. He rubbed up against him, moaning. “We were already doing that, Ray.”

“I know, I just…” Ray leaned down and sucked at Michael’s neck, pressing his leg down into the other man’s crotch so that he’d moan again. “I just want to make sure this won’t change anything for us.”

Michael pulled back to look into Ray’s eyes pointedly. “If you don’t want to do this, then-”

“Are you fucking kidding? Of course I want to! I just don’t wanna fuck anything up after I just found you again.”

Michael smiled, brushing his fingers through Ray’s hair gently. “Dude, I’m not going anywhere. Now take off your fucking pants so I can blow you already.”

 

Geoff laughed when Ray and Michael came downstairs into the bar an hour later. “Good _morning_ , boys.” When they plopped down at the table, Geoff gave them a knowing look.

Michael raised an eyebrow. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Did you have _fun_?” Geoff and Jack started laughing and Gavin stared. Ryan was silent at the end of the table, not looking at either of them.

“You already had sex?” Gavin gawked at them. It just made Geoff laugh louder.

“Jesus Christ, what are you guys, five years old?” Ray asked, blushing furiously.

Michael rolled his eyes. “You want a fucking play-by-play or something?” He grinned mischievously, making Ray blush even more. “When I started to suck his dick, Ray went freakin-”

“Shut up,” Ryan said firmly, but quietly. Everyone looked over at him, surprised or confused by the sternness in his voice. For someone who said he didn’t give a shit who Ray was fucking, he sure did get jealous when the subject came up. This was going to be really fucking awkward. Unless…

“So,” Michael said, drinking a full glass of water in a few gulps. “What’s the plan? Are we gonna travel together now or something? Or were you guys just dumping Ray off?”

Geoff looked over at Jack and then at Ryan. He looked more concerned when he was assessing Ryan and rightly so. It seemed like Ryan had the biggest issue here and maybe parting ways would make it better for him. “Well, we hadn’t really discussed it. Ray was always looking for you, we knew that from the beginning.”

Everyone looked pathetically unhappy at the finality of that statement. Michael sighed when no one else spoke. “Just because he found me doesn’t mean we’ve gotta split up though. I know he likes you guys a lot and I think you’re pretty cool. I don’t see why we couldn’t stick together, see if we make a good crew?”

Jack nodded fervently, smiling wide. “Yeah, yeah, we should do that, Geoff.”

Geoff shrugged, eying the blond next to him. “Ryan, you okay with that?”

“What?” Ryan looked up at Geoff, his eyes unfocused. He glanced over at Michael and then back at Geoff. “Why wouldn’t I be? Of course I am. Why are you asking me?”

Geoff raised an eyebrow. “Um... to get your opinion? You okay, dude?”

“I _said_ I’m fine. Just tell me when we’re leaving.” Ryan stood up abruptly, his chair scraping across the floor, and walked out of the bar.

“What’s eating him?” Geoff asked, bewildered.

Michael and Ray looked at one another guiltily. Was he really that upset about the two of them being together? He’d sounded pretty sincere when he told Michael he didn’t care about Ray in that way the night before, but maybe he was just a good actor.

Well, at least no one could say that their traveling company would be boring.


	4. we run around the rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, guys. I have the story planned out, I was just having some writing blocks here recently. I should be writing more frequently though so stay tuned and thanks for sticking around. <3

“No no no, tell the Albany story though,” Ray grinned, patting Michael on the back and skipping along with a giddiness he only reserved for Albany. 

Michael shook his head. “No, I’m not telling that story. You tell the fucking story if you want them to know so badly.”

“But it sounds better when you tell it,” Ray reasoned, looking pathetically at his friend as they continued on their journey southward. They’d decided to make their way to Austin, Texas, which was rumored to be one of the most advanced cities left in the whole country. The trek was treacherous, though, so most people didn’t bother trying. 

“Bullshit! You just want me kissing your ass. Fuck you!” Michael said good-naturedly, shoving at Ray’s shoulder. 

“What is it?” Gavin asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. “What happened in Albany?”

“Ray thinks he became a superhero, that’s what,” Michael rolled his eyes. 

Jack furrowed his brow. “Hang on, didn’t you already tell us this story?” 

“Did I?” Ray frowned slightly.

“Yeah, the thing about saving Michael’s ass from the feral ghoul that almost ripped his arm off?” Jack supplied helpfully and Michael started to laugh.

“Seriously? You don’t remember telling them?” he snorted, shaking his head at his friend.

“Aww man,” Ray pouted as Geoff and Jack laughed at him. “I must’ve been high.”

“Pretty sure you weren’t,” Geoff said. 

“Shut up,” Ray complained, brushing them off and kicking at a rock. “Oh, speaking of weed-”

“We don’t have any more,” Geoff cut him off, shaking his head. “I swear to god, dude, is that all you ever fucking do?”

“Basically,” Michael answered for Ray, laughing at the betrayed look on his friend’s face. “I’m pretty sure he’d sell his body if it meant getting ahold of some good shit.” Gavin made a weird squeak next to Michael and the brunette glared at him. It was a fucking joke for fuck’s sake, could he not even fucking joke now?

“Hey, fuck you, dude, I’m not _that_ bad. I’m not fucking addicted, asshole, I just like to mellow out, is there something wrong with that?”

Michael raised an eyebrow. “Not addicted? Are you _sure_ about that, Ray?” Michael needled him, poking his friend in the side. “I mean, I know it’s not _jet_ we’re talking about here, but-”

Gavin squawked next to Michael again and finally he reached over and knocked the Brit upside the head. He didn’t need Gavin making things awkward. Ryan was already eying the two of them stoically as they walked, not having said more than two words the entire time since they started out. 

“What?” Ray asked, looking at the two of them suspiciously.

“I’ve got some weed,” Gavin coughed conspicuously, trying to cover his tracks, earning an appeased nod from Michael. 

“Well what the fuck, dude, why didn’t you just say so?” Ray asked, wrapping a friendly arm around Gavin’s shoulder. “Feel like sharing? We could use a blaze session tonight, I think.”

“It’s not just mine; it’s Michael’s too…” Gavin trailed off, looking over at the brunette uncertainly.

Of course that only encouraged Ray. He grinned mischievously, waggling his eyebrows at his friend. “Oh, I think I can convince him to share, Gav.”

Gavin frowned as Michael punched Ray in the shoulder. “Fuck off, dude,” he said good-naturedly.

 

To say that Ray and Michael were _touchy_ when they got high would be an understatement. And sure, Geoff, Jack, and Ryan had witnessed Ray’s friendliness firsthand a few times on the road whilst Gavin had seen Michael get a bit handsy when he was baked, but when the two of them were at it together, they really let themselves go.

The six men were perched around a small campfire, laughing as they shared irradiated food and drink along with the weed that Gavin handed over a little while ago. Ray and Michael started shotgunning it instantly, being none too obscure about nearly making out in the process. Gavin groaned at them. “Seriously, we don’t want to watch you two do that!”

“Awww, sorry Gavvy,” Michael cooed, edging off the log next to Ray and plopping down next to the Brit. “I didn’t mean to make you jealous, boi. Here, I’ll give you some.”

“I don’t want to snog you!” Gavin protested, turning red in the face. 

Michael snorted. “That’s not what you do, dumbass. Just open your mouth.” Gavin looked hesitant but he also wanted to be included so he complied, following Michael’s instructions, watching as the brunette inhaled from the blunt and proceeded to lean in and blow smoke into the Brit’s mouth. 

Gavin breathed it in like he would if he were pulling it from the cigarette itself, coughing a little, his eyes watering instantly. He blinked the tears back and smiled, shaking his head. “Alright, it’s not so bad.”

Geoff laughed, taking a long drink from a dusty whiskey bottle. 

Ray shook his head at the man. “That shit is gonna kill you, y’know,” he pointed at the whiskey in the older man’s hand.

“This? Yeah well, at least it wasn’t growing out of the ground like _that_ shit,” he countered. “Think of the rads you’re sucking down right now and come talk to me about death, kid.”

Michael smirked, holding the blunt between his thumb and forefinger. “Come on, Geoff, you don’t want any?”

“Pass,” the man waved a hand. “Maybe Ryan does though.”

Jack snorted. “I’d like to see that.”

Ryan was instantly frowning at their teasing, currently drawing random patterns in the dirt with a stick.

“Yeah, c’mon, Rye! You’ve been in a bad mood all day!” Ray goaded, oblivious to the man’s discomfort at this point. 

“I have not,” he responded gruffly. It was one of the few things he’d actually said in the past 24 hours.

“Bullshit,” Geoff barked helpfully. “You’ve been pouting all damned afternoon. It’s pathetic. I dunno what’s crawled up your ass but you’re bringing the whole party down, dude. Lighten the fuck up.”

“Fuck you, Geoff,” Ryan responded viscerally, anger creeping into his voice now.

“Oooh,” Michael commented, making his way to Ryan’s side to watch the exchange close-up like it was an enticing television program. “Hey,” he leaned into Ryan’s side and whispered loudly next to Ryan’s ear, causing the other man to jump at the sudden closeness. “If you kill him, can I have his mustache?” 

Ryan looked over at him incredulously. “Uh, sure?”

“Yes!” Michael pumped his fist in triumph. 

Geoff sputtered around a mouthful of alcohol. “What the fuck, dude?”

Ryan shrugged. “He asked nicely.”

“So you’re just gonna let some dude carve the mustache off my dead corpse? What a dick!”

Michael looked over at Geoff with a solemn expression. “I’ll take good care of it.”

“He’ll take good care of it,” Ryan repeated, a hint of a smirk on his lips.

“You’re sick, dude,” Geoff lamented at Ryan, who was fully grinning now. 

Michael grinned next to him, wrapping an arm around Ryan’s shoulder. “I dunno, I think he’s kinda funny, in a creepy sort of way.” He raised the blunt to his lips and took another hit, looking over at Ryan when he’d released the smoke from his lungs. “You want some?”

Ryan seemed to assess him for a few moments before finally nodding. “Yeah sure.”

Smiling, Michael took another hit as Geoff and Jack stared on in surprise. Ray and Gavin were giggling together, rolling another joint between the two of them, obviously too impatient to wait on Michael to finish with Ryan. 

“Oh my god, Ryan’s gonna take a hit!” Ray gasped and Ryan flipped him off without even looking in his direction, causing everyone but Michael and Ryan to laugh, who were concentrating at the task at hand. Michael lowered the cigarette from his lips, holding the smoke in his lungs for as long as he could stand before he leaned in toward Ryan, who despite all his snappiness that day, had no qualms about leaning into Michael instinctually. 

When Michael opened his mouth to release the smoke into Ryan’s lungs, their lips were just a hair's breadth apart, their eyes locked, a hazy mixture of brown and blue in the low firelight. They stared at each other for a minute or so after the smoke had dissipated and someone cleared his throat, knocking them out of their trance, both averting his eyes quickly. 

“Was that the first time you’ve smoked weed, Ryan?” Gavin asked, coughing around the smoke he was inhaling. He passed the blunt back to Ray.

“No,” Ryan answered simply, looking back at the ground as he resumed dragging the stick through the dirt, all but shutting down again. Michael sighed. So much for the moment they'd shared. Who knew when Ryan would open up again?

 

Michael woke up with his chest pressed into Ray’s back, breathing into the other man’s neck warmly. He snuggled in closer only to realize that someone was spooning against him from behind. He tilted his head back to find Gavin nosing between his shoulder blades and rolled his eyes. He should have figured the Brit would worm his way into their little nest.

Michael mouthed against Ray’s neck, smiling as he stirred and turned slowly onto his back, blinking up at Michael with bleary eyes. “Hey.”

“Mmm,” Ray responded intelligibly, pressing his fingers under the hem of Michael’s shirt and brushing his skin softly. 

Ray pressed his face into the crook of Michael’s neck and Michael laughed. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Oh yeah, like a fucking king. Love sleeping in the dirt,” Ray snarked back easily. “It’s the fucking best, dude.”

Michael snaked a hand between them and pinched Ray’s nipple playfully, earning the indignant squeak he’d been searching for. “Alright, no need to be a dick, I was just asking, fuck face.”

“Yes, of course. Michael, the gallant knight,” Ray muttered against his neck, the smirk obvious as he began pressing wet kisses against Michael’s collarbone. 

“Damn straight. Don’t fucking forget it,” he hummed pleasantly, already tilting his head back some as he allowed the other man more access to his freckled skin. Sure, they were falling into old habits and sure, it was easier to just give into it than to push themselves out of their comfort zone, but after so much time apart, Michael thought they at least deserved a little bit of a reprieve. “Hey, watch where you’re putting that hickey, asshole. Get enough shit from these guys as it is.”

Ray laughed pleasantly against Michael’s skin, but he tugged down his shirt collar and began sucking at a lower patch of skin that would be out of sight from prying eyes. He’d made a pretty decent mark by the time Gavin stirred behind Michael, squawking and clambering away when he heard the noises coming from the two next to him.

“You wankers! Couldn’t you wait ‘til I was _not_ touching you to do that?” Gavin whined, effectively waking the rest of the party who weren’t already stirring.

Michael snorted and Ray looked up over Michael’s shoulder at Gavin innocently. “I thought you wanted to join in?”

Gavin searched his face, then Michael’s, looking like a trapped animal. “Are you having a laugh?”

Jack’s booming laughter cut through their semi-private exchange and everyone but Gavin was laughing with him not long after.


	5. same old empty feeling in your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains graphic depictions of violence and character death.**

**Two Days Ago**  
Michael’s ears were ringing. The sound of the Fat Boy that Geoff had shot a few minutes ago didn’t seem to be wearing off on his eardrums yet, though it had finished the job.

“Is he still breathing?” he heard Gavin ask from very far away.

"Gavin, hand me that doctor's bag!" Geoff was screaming, he had to be screaming, but Michael could barely hear him over the din.

"But Michael..." Gavin hesitated, looking anguished at his friend. Michael blinked up at him, barely even acknowledging that Gavin was referring to him. 

"He's _fine_! Ryan is gonna bleed the fuck out of you don't get the fuck over here right now, asshole!" Geoff's voice boomed and Gavin scurried off toward the other man. 

Michael closed the heavy curtain of his eyes against the world.

 **Three Days Ago**  
“The thing that pisses me off the most,” Ray lamented as they made their way toward St. Louis, their first stop on the way toward Austin, “is that we never got to play video games. What kind of bullshit is that?”

Jack was rolling his eyes and Geoff laughed, though Ryan actually looked interested. “There are still some games around. I’ve seen some people download them onto their Pip-Boys.”

“What?” Ray looked bewildered, turning to Ryan. “Who did you know that had a Pip-Boy?”

Ryan ignored the question. “If you find a terminal you can download them off a disk and play.”

“Have you got a disk?” Michael asked, curious.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I’ve traded for a few. Was hoping some day to get ahold of a Pip-Boy myself.”

Jack snorted. “Good fucking luck, buddy. It’d be easier to get a terminal than one of those.”

“What I wouldn’t give for some Zeta Invaders,” Geoff sighed, wrapping an arm around Ryan’s shoulder. “Let’s check St. Louis for something. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ryan agreed, actually smiling over at his friend.

 **One Day Ago**  
Ryan didn’t look good. Everyone could see it, even if no one really wanted to voice the opinion. They were about one day outside of St. Louis and no one really knew if they’d make it there before infection took over and he either died from it or had to have his leg amputated.

They had to take turns carrying the makeshift litter so they didn’t tire themselves out more than they already were. They’d been traveling for an entire day already without stopping and they were weary from the fight and lack of sleep. Michael was in a daze as they walked, ears still faintly ringing from the shouting and firing from guns yesterday.

“Want some water, boi?” Gavin asked but received no reaction from his friend. “Michael?” he asked, touching the other man’s shoulder lightly. Michael jumped in surprise, hand automatically reaching for his gun. “Whoa, mate, calm down; it’s just me.”

Michael had to stare into Gavin’s face for nearly a minute before he let go of his gun and fully recognized him. “What?” he asked, eyes still glazed over.

“Just asked if you wanted some water,” Gavin said, looking weary. He had backed up a few steps from Michael when he reached for his gun.

Michael nodded numbly. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” 

Gavin handed him the water slowly. “It’s alright. You… you doing okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Michael responded automatically. It felt right, like the right thing to say, like what he knew people wanted to hear rather than letting the demons out. No one ever wanted the truth, not in these situations. It was too much for them to handle. It was better to push those feelings down and numb yourself to the pain. It made living bearable.

He’d done it before. He could do it again.

 **Two Days Ago**  
Ryan shot forward, the first to react the situation as it unfolded. He was only a few steps away from Ray, snatching out at his arm to yank him from harm’s way, only to feel the limb detach from the body in front of him. 

“ _Ray!_ ” Michael screamed, horror lining the roof of his mouth as he watched his best friend physically ripped apart by viciously searching claws. 

Jack went after Ryan and was pulling him back from the carnage, but the Deathclaw had already dug his fingertips deep into the flesh of Ryan’s thigh. Michael’s shotgun was in his hands instinctively, shooting the beast’s wrist, severing arm from gnarled clawed hand. The beast reared in pain, giving them time to drag Ryan back, but Ray… Michael could do nothing but watch as the monster dismantled his friend, limb by limb. 

Time slowed and the world began to rock back and forth like a boat on breaking waves. Michael felt his insides churning, crashing against his ribs, trying to break free from the cage of his skin. Someone grabbed him by the arm and hauled him back none too gently. 

He still couldn’t look away. He knew it was over, that there was no way that Ray would be materializing back from the dead this time, but there was still a small part of Michael’s brain that wouldn’t let go of that hope. He’d thought Ray dead before, a similar situation to this, so all he had to do was wait and eventually everything would be fine. Even as he watched the last gasping breath escape Ray’s lips, Michael was clinging to the unreality of it all. 

He was knocked off his feet by a swipe at his chest, eyes attached to the eerie blue of the sky above him. Jack blasted the ghoul in the head with his shotgun, the body falling right next to Michael on the ground just as Geoff let loose a Fat Boy on the Deathclaw, deafening them all.

 **Today**  
Geoff was pacing back and forth in front of the closed door, eyes bloodshot and hair askew. 

“You should eat something, Geoff,” Jack said, trying to push a tin of beans into the man’s hands. 

Geoff shook his head vigorously. “I couldn’t keep it down.”

Gavin glanced over at Michael who was clutching his own tin of food he had yet to touch. He stared blankly at the wall; the man hadn’t said a word since they arrived in St. Louis. 

“He’ll be fine, I’m sure of it,” Geoff told himself more than anyone else. For a moment Gavin thought Geoff was talking about Michael until he remembered that Ryan was fighting for his life in the room beyond the door. He felt like an asshole for thinking more of Michael than Ryan just then, but Michael was his best friend and the last thing he wanted to see was the other man spiraling out of control again.

Jack clasped Geoff’s shoulder tightly, nodding in agreement. “Of course he will be.”

Michael said nothing. He wasn’t even listening to the placations, just staring at a grease stain on the wall across from him. It had an odd shape to it, like a rabbit leaping into the air. The longer he looked, the more it morphed - from a Deathclaw’s gaping jaws to Ray’s smiling face. He startled when the door banged open, eyes tracking slowly to land on the doctor standing in the doorway.

“He’s going to live,” the doctor told them. Three of the four men visibly relaxed. Michael detached himself even more.

“Can we see him?” Jack asked eagerly. 

“He’s just now waking up, give him a few minutes to get his bearings. He was able to keep the leg, but it may not work as well as it once did, if at all.” The other shoe, of course. If Ryan wasn’t able to walk again then he wasn’t going anywhere, much less all the way to Austin. Who knew what was going to happen now.

“Thank you for fixing him up, doc,” Gavin said.

“You’re welcome,” the doctor replied, nodding for them to follow him in. Gavin had to pull Michael by the arm before the man registered that everyone was moving and he was supposed to follow.

“You look like shit,” Geoff said, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” Ryan coughed out, but his eyes were searching out Michael in the group of men. He saw him in the back of the room, eyes clouded over. “Michael, I’m sorry…”

Ryan’s words penetrated through the haze in Michael’s brain and he shrugged them off easily. “It’s whatever.”

“I tried-” Ryan began again but Michael cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it. I already thought he was dead and… well... now he is.” The brunette turned abruptly and walked from the room, Ryan’s gaze boring a hole into his back.

He didn’t blame Ryan; it wasn’t anyone’s fault. But that didn’t make it any easier to look at Ryan there on the table, alive, while Ray was scattered in pieces across the wilderness for scavengers to pick his bones clean until nothing remained of the man he once was.

He needed to get outside of his head again. He needed a fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was gone for so long, guys. I hope to actually finish this soon once I get back into the swing of writing. Hope you like it.


	6. my demons are begging me to open up my mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains drug use and implied abuse.**

Michael stumbled down the main street of St. Louis, eyes wide and wondering as he took in the city around him. “This place is fucking beautiful,” he told no one, taking in the sight for all it was worth. Everything felt great - peaceful even. He hadn’t felt this mellow since the _last_ time that Ray had died. Why’d he ever stop taking Jet, anyway? It was a _fantastic_ drug.

It was nearing midnight so the day creatures were going back to their hovels while the night creatures crawled from the woodwork. The transition was fascinating to watch. Men and women holding hands, a ghoul bouncer outside a nightclub, a stray dog sniffing at feet as it walked by them.

What did Gavin know, anyhow? This feeling of contentment inside of Michael couldn’t be beat. He didn’t have the constant nagging of that voice in his head telling him he was a piece of shit, that his best friend was dead and it was all his fault. He didn’t have Gavin squawking in his ear about how unhealthy and addicting Jet was. “What do you know, Gavin?” he asked out loud.

“Eh?” a brunette woman caught his words and turned toward his question. Her eyes brightened at the sight of him. “Hey, handsome.”

“Hi!” Michael replied enthusiastically. “You’re beautiful!”

She looked slightly taken aback, but recovered well enough. “Aren’t you the charmer. Wanna do some foolin’ around?”

Michael shook his head, a smile still gracing his face. “No thanks. But I’ll let you know if I ever do.”

The woman scowled. “Whatever,” she waved him away, joining her friends again. 

Michael wasn’t fazed in the slightest. He decided to pay Ryan a visit and see how his leg was healing up. It had been an entire day since they’d gotten Ryan to the doctor and Michael hadn’t seen him since then. Might as well remedy that. He was pleasantly surprised to find Ryan awake. “Hey!”

Ryan blinked a few times before taking Michael in, the easy set of his shoulders, the broad smile. He didn’t look anything like what he had yesterday. “Uh, hi? Isn’t it a bit late for visiting hours?”

Michael stood near Ryan on the table, eying his leg. “You tell me; you’re still awake.”

The blond sighed. “Can’t sleep; leg’s hurting too much.”

“That sucks, dude. The doc seems good though so I’m sure it’ll be better soon.”

“Hopefully.” Ryan studied Michael for a few minutes. His bright eyes stood wide open, like a child who was trying to take in the entire world with just a glance. Something just didn’t seem right. “So uh… how are _you_ doing?”

“Me? I’m great, dude. Never been better.” He gave Ryan a warm smile. “Hey, you want some coffee? I’m craving some coffee. I’ll be right back.”

Ryan watched as Michael bounded out of the doctor’s office, not even giving him a chance to respond to the question. He racked his brain for the cause of the sudden mood shift. Was he smoking more weed? While it had mellowed Michael out a lot the few times he’d seen him smoke it, he couldn’t imagine that it would settle him like this. It didn’t look like Michael was masking his pain, it looked like he _had no_ pain. 

There was no way that after just three days Michael was already over the loss of his best friend. And despite what Michael had told Ryan before, it was obvious Michael had a great love for Ray that he didn’t totally understand. 

“I got it,” Michael sing-songed as he came back into the room, jarring Ryan from his thoughts. He handed Ryan a cup of lukewarm coffee with an effulgent smile. 

“Thanks,” Ryan nodded, sipping from the cup. He decided it was probably best not to probe Michael about his current mood. The man had been through hell and it wasn’t Ryan’s place to judge his coping mechanisms. “Have you ever been to St. Louis before?”

The brunette shook his head. “No, but it’s not too bad! They have a main thoroughfare, similar to New Vegas, though obviously lacking the neon signs and big casinos. You?”

Ryan had. “We stopped here on the way up to the Commonwealth to get the Dream.”

“Oh yeah! Were you guys around when Geoff met his lady?” Geoff had said he met his soulmate from the dream.

“Griffon? Yeah, she was an amazing woman. Strong, intelligent, didn’t put up with any of Geoff’s shit… we had a great few years together.” 

Michael was thoughtful as he listened to Ryan describe the love of Geoff’s life. “I wonder what it’s like when you first meet your soulmate,” Michael said wistfully, looking up toward the ceiling. That was lucky since Ryan’s face began to redden at the statement and he coughed into his coffee. 

For Ryan, meeting his soulmate had been like being hit by a train. Then the train derailed, smashed through a concrete wall, and just kept on going while he clung helplessly to the side waiting on a life raft to extradite him. It still hadn’t come. 

Seeing Michael for the first time only brought on the realization that this man had a history, something Ryan would never be able to compete with. He and Ray held one another in the highest regards and Ryan - well who the fuck was Ryan compared to _that_? His instincts told him to keep his distance, to steel his heart against the brunette, but his curiosity just brought him closer. He had wanted to demonize Michael, make him into something abhorrent, but he’d lost that battle within hours of their first meeting. 

Michael was pretty much everything Ryan had imagined him to be and more. He was a person who drew others to him, like moth to a flame, and Ryan was more than willing to get burned just to spend a little time with him. To see that smile grace the younger man’s face, to look into those deep brown eyes.

“You alright there, Ryan?” Michael asked and when they locked eyes, Ryan could feel that stare piercing deep into his very core. 

For a moment Ryan was worried that Michael could read the thoughts all over his face, but he shook away his reverie and answered. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. Got lost in thought, I guess.”

Michael smiled, something wholly genuine, inviting Ryan into himself without a single word. And Ryan wanted to take it, he wanted to wrap inside of it like a blanket, to bathe in it, but Michael wasn’t really present. He was grieving and Ryan was a convenience that kept his mind from that grief. No matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t take it like this. He may never be able to. “Oh yeah? What are you thinking about?” 

Ryan shook his head, worried Michael would unfold him like a napkin and expose all his secrets right there in the doctor’s office. “Nothing really. Just… just the Dream.” 

“Who did you see in your dream? Tall, dark and handsome man? A damsel in distress waiting for you to sweep her off her feet?” The brunette sat down in the dingy chair next to Ryan’s table, all wide-eyed interest.

Ryan should’ve just kept his mouth shut. “Uh… he. It was a he.”

Michael’s eyebrows raised. “Are you gay?” It was blunt, but it was also just so _Michael_ that Ryan could hardly be offended.

“I would probably use the term ‘pansexual’, if I were going to label it something.”

“Oh yeah? I can dig it,” Michael nodded in agreement, like his approval was ever needed. Well, maybe it was. At least he didn’t ask for anymore descriptors of Ryan’s soulmate. He wasn’t sure if he could actually lie to Michael when it came down to it. “Well hey man, I’m gonna get out of your hair. Get yourself better, alright?” Michael clapped Ryan on the shoulder as he stood to leave.

“Thanks. And… thanks for coming by.”

“No problem, Rye.”

 

“Things seem to be healing nicely,” the doctor nodded approvingly, examining Ryan’s thigh with light presses that made the blond wince in disapproval.

“Okay, when do I get outta here, doc?” Ryan insisted, not for the first time. He wanted out of the stifling infirmary, even if it was just relocating to a different room. Anywhere was better than the chemical smell that constantly accosted his nose.

It had only been a week since he landed in the infirmary, but he already felt like he was out of the loop. Gavin, Geoff, and Jack would stop by at different times during the day and anytime Ryan would ask ‘how’s Michael doing’, they would avert their eyes and mumble some excuse. Meanwhile Michael kept stopping by at more and more unconventional hours, still as mellow as ever, and Ryan found himself staying awake to wait on his inevitable arrival. In the back of his mind he knew that it was wrong, but it was hard to press the issue when Michael acted _so fucking happy_ and opened up to him like he never had before. In some ways it was cathartic for both of them, but he knew that Michael was going down an inexorable path. Sooner or later, the dam would break.

“Don’t rush it, Ryan. You haven’t even begun to reach full rotation in your knee again. Your hip is still fusing and you can only use so many stimpaks on a wound that bad. You need to give your body some old-fashioned recovery.”

Ryan gave a frustrated grunt. “I can’t stay here any longer, doc. I need to get out. I need to see the fucking sky again, breathe some air that isn’t filled with the smell of death.”

With a sigh, the doctor glanced at the other men in the room - all but Michael had showed. “It could be possible to let you recover in the comfort of your own rooms if your friends were willing to help. But it would require a lot of attention,” he said the last to the others.

“We can help him!” Gavin squeaked, nodding vigorously.

Jack agreed. “Between the four of us, I’m sure we could manage.”

“I bet you’re tired as fuck listening to him bitch anyway; we’d be doing you a favor,” Geoff added.

There was only a slight smile on the doctor’s face at Geoff’s words meanwhile Ryan was flipping him off. “Don’t get yourself worked up there, invalid. Wouldn’t want to pop a blood vessel.”

“I would first suggest not antagonizing the patient, Geoff,” the doctor chastised, earning a smirk from Ryan and a groan from Geoff.

“Doc, c’mon, how do you expect _us_ to stay sane if we can’t poke a little fun?” The truth was that humor made the loss of Ray easier for Geoff - for most of them.

“If you get a room ready for him then I’ll have my nurse, Jeremey, help you move him and do regular visits to check on him. I’ll stop by once a week?”

 

They got Ryan settled in the vacant hotel room located inconveniently across from Michael, who they hardly ever saw these days. It was wholly possible that Ryan was the one who spoke to Michael since they’d arrived, what with his late night visits every day.

Michael strode toward his room on one such occasion when Ryan was having trouble sleeping. He blinked into the semi-darkness of the hallway, uncertain if his eyes were lying to him. “Michael?”

The brunette stopped in the hallway and changed his trajectory, entering Ryan’s room with a bouncing step. “Whoa, when did you get here?” Michael asked with only slight surprise. He had a huge bruise forming under his left eye. “I was just about to head to the infirmary to see you.”

Ryan shrugged his comments off. “What happened to your face?” he asked instead, trying to keep his tone neutral, though he couldn’t stop his brow from creasing in concern.

“Huh?” Michael asked, taking a moment or two for understanding to cross his features. He pressed his fingers against the growing bruise. “Oh, this.” He shrugged easily. “Nothing, just got into a fight with a broomstick. I won eventually,” he laughed at his own joke far too loudly.

“Were you having a good night?” Ryan asked him warily, watching as the other man sat down in the seat near Ryan’s bed and started to jog his leg and tap his fingers relentlessly against his thigh. 

“Sure. Good as any other,” Michael replied vaguely, his eyes darting from Ryan’s face to the grimy window behind him. “How’s the leg doing? Better enough to move out of the infirmary, huh?” The concern was there somewhere, buried beneath the slight twitch of his wrist and neck.

“It’s the same. Slow going, but Jeremy says I may be able to start some physical therapy next week once the wound has healed.” He was still watching Michael with carefulness, uncertain if he should actually say anything or just keep his mouth shut. He was getting worse and Ryan hated the idea that he was getting punched in the face while trying to buy drugs or whatever had happened.

His demeanor was changing rapidly, like he was unfolding himself in front of Ryan without even meaning to. Ryan saw him wince and readjust in his seat, a light sheen of sweat forming on his brow.

“You don’t seem okay, Michael,” he said finally, knowing it probably wouldn’t go over well. But he couldn’t let it ride anymore. He’d waited too long as it was. 

Michael rolled his eyes and stood up, pacing around the room. “Dude, I’m _fine_ , I just haven’t had a-” he stopped, shaking his head rapidly before looking at Ryan with a darting glance, eyes already moving on to another part of the room before he finished. “I just haven’t slept well the last couple of days. Think I might be coming down with a fever or something.”

It was technically true, considering how pale he was looking, but Ryan knew that wasn’t the actual cause of the man’s discomfort. “Michael, how long has it been since you last-”

Michael’s eyes honed in on Ryan’s face like a missile, blown wide pupils boring down on him. “Since I last _what_ , Ryan?” Michael fisted his hands in his hair, tugging at it momentarily before his arms were out in the air, gesturing wildly along with his words. “You know fuck all, Ryan, so don’t pretend like you have any idea what’s going on with me.”

This was spiraling quickly, Ryan knew that, but being silent wasn’t going to help Michael through this. He had to be upfront. “I know you’re hurting,” he spoke quietly, almost wishing Michael couldn’t hear him.

Michael’s words were visceral, clawing ruthlessly out of his throat. “You don’t know _shit_.”

“You’re high, Michael,” Ryan stated flatly. “You’ve been high every time you’ve come to visit me. You’ve probably been high since we got here. This is the first time I’ve seen you express even an ounce of raw emotion.”

“Who the fuck-” Michael began, but Ryan cut him off. He had to or he’d never get through.

“Ray’s dead, Michael.” Ryan watched closely as that statement hit Michael like a full blow to the chest, making him sway on his feet. For a moment Ryan half-expected the younger man to fall over and begin sobbing.

He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. “You know what, dude? _Fuck_ you.” And that was it.

Michael swept from the room like a cold breeze, making Ryan shiver in his wake. The worst part was that Ryan couldn’t go after him and stop him from doing something irrevocably stupid. He just lay there on the cold table with his lips still parted, pain blooming harshly behind his eyes.


End file.
